17 Easy Steps: Why Fluffer Nutter Frozen Yogurt is Making Me Lose My Mind

I'm currently reading The Omnivore's Dilemma, which reminds me that, at the most basic level, I am a calorie-consuming-and-kinetic-energy-converting machine. Also, my dustiest memories of fifth grade science class tell me that sugar is the most direct route of the calorie-to-kinetic-energy process. This starts me down a dubious logical chain that has been slowly driving me insane over the last few weeks:

1. If my most basic mission is to consume and convert calories into kinetic energy, then I should be genetically programmed to consume as much sugar as I can (the easiest source of calories).
2. If I'm genetically programmed to consume as much sugar as I can, then I should constantly crave sweet tasting foods.
3. If I constantly crave sweet tasting foods, then Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt is the perfect food: it's sweet and delicious, and easily accessible.
4. If Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt is the perfect food, then I should eat lots of it.
5. If I eat lots of it, I'm probably eating too much.
6. If calories consumed exceed calories expended, I get fat (Calories In - Calories Out = Net Calorie Gain).
7. I'm not a caveman, and don't need to worry about famines anytime soon (and thus, draw upon my stored fat reserves).
8. If I'm not a caveman, and I eat lots of Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt, then I'll become wildly obese.
9. Since I don't want to become wildly obese, I need to increase my calories expended.
10. To increase my calories expended, I need to run.
11. The more I run, the more Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt I can eat, and the more Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt I eat, the more calories I can convert to kinetic energy.
12. The more Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt I convert to kinetic energy to run so I can eat more Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt, the more prone I am to injury and over-training.
13. If I am more prone to injury and over-training, then I will inevitably have to take rest days from running.
14. If I take rest days from running, then I don't expend enough calories to justify my appetite for Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt.
15. If I don't expend enough calories to justify my appetite for Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt, I shouldn't eat it.
16. If I don't eat Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt, then I fail to fulfill my mission as a calorie-consuming machine.
17. If I fail to fulfill my mission as a calorie-consuming machine, I slowly start losing my mind.

As you can tell, Fat-Free Fluffer-Nutter Frozen-Yogurt is clearly the antecedent to a disastrous spiral of doom and moping about not being able to run enough.